Soft Porn Sunday: Syren & Evan Stone

Evan Stone just realised he's in this movie.

There are some moments in life where you have to stop to convince yourself things are happening, usually during fortunate incidents wherein you have an incredible stroke of luck or something makes you insanely happy. The old cliché of pinching yourself to make sure you're not in a dream does have some resonance sometimes (moreso, perhaps, if you're into pain - then you may as well do it just for kicks). Soft porn's a bit like that too - there have been a few times when I've offered up a silent prayer of thanks to the Almighty when I chance across a scene that has all the elements that make good-quality softcore so divine.

And then there are scenes so patently ridiculous you do have to wonder what they were on while writing the scenes themselves. And how exactly to get some. The title of the production often offers something of a clue, as well. So brace yourselves for this one...

Appearance: Tarzeena - Jiggle in the Jungle (2008)
Characters: Shana & Jack Carver

I'll point this out here and now: I don't know the plot of this film. I only own the scene in MPEG format, so I am slightly at a loss as to how exactly this fits in with the schmaltzy adventure-esque plot summary they put on IMDb, but it's clear what's going on here. These are two peripheral characters. One's played by "eroticore" (it's her word, apparently) actress Syren; the other by hardcore stalwart Evan Stone. You can probably guess what's coming, really.

The first thing you see in this scene is a large crocodile head... it would be a twist if the crocodile himself were having sex, but alas, no genius has thought of that before, so we're left with the humans. Jack (Stone) is licking out Shana (Syren) - at least that's what I'm assuming he's doing. He could just as easily be eating her, since we can't see what his mouth is doing due to crafty camera work and the positioning of a black feather boa to block out anything too revealing.

Crocodile: "The hills are alive..."

Forgive me for thinking this is quite clever. A lot of softcore, with the exception of Bedtime Stories which seems to thrive on the concept, has a bit of a problem with portraying oral sex. It is, after all, difficult to portray without making it look too fake. However, the feathers and Evan Stone's famous mane of dirty-blonde hair nicely obscures the place where you assume Shana's vagina must be. Stone, with his experience of such matters, moves his - Jack's - head (and hands, which are having at her bosoms) in a nice "fuck yeah oral sex" way and providing a good intro to the scene itself. This does, however, continue for at least a minute, and despite the noises that Shana makes which are a cross between a moan and a gasp, the improbable things she does with her legs and the revelation that Jack still has his trousers on, by the 01:10 mark you're quite glad that the action changes. I can easily spend twenty minutes plus between some female legs IRL, but this is softcore - switch it up a bit!

After a few seconds of unzipping Jack's trousers (although he keeps them on for a while in an odd, yet unintentional, echo of That Other Scene), something symbolising penetration happens (you're meant, clearly, to imagine his penis protruding through his zip and continuing inside her - this is possible, but  incredibly difficult, to maintain without undoing the top button too... but it's softcore), and Jack turns into a lion...

...oh no, wait, it's just his face; thought he was a lion for a moment there...

I only just realised the doors are pink.

...and they have pretty realistic-looking sex in the missionary position. Realistic, that is, because it's not overly fluid (like in Surrender Cinema flicks) or too staccato (like in films from the '70s). It's very similar to actual sex in the way they move - a few thrusts here, a nipple lick there, a change of position to avoid getting too stuck in a rut. They're still wearing clothes (although not many), which I think is quite hot, and with a close-up boob shot followed by bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy sex on the edge of the purple sofa they seem to be using to this escapade, that brings the first half of this scene to a close.

I'll explain. I have two MPEGs of this and that cuts the scene in half. Way to spoil the fun, guys.

Om nom nom.

The second half (I know...) starts with an EXTREME CLOSE-UP of the two kissing before a bit of rough-and-tumble takes place, leading into moar seks, only this time it's Shana on top, putting what looks like an incredible amount of effort to be both energetic and shiny. Seriously, she shines. But I think that's a combination of sweat, makeup and studio lights. Still, it's a good effect, and to add to what she's doing, there's even a bit of pretend frigging here. Yes, I know - the whole "girl masturbating her clit during sex" thing. It's in this scene. Hosanna.

This goes on for a while, both participants competing in a "make the most bestial noise" competition (I think Shana is winning), before a sudden and rather unexpected mix to a full-body shot of something similar to the spoons position, but for the fact that one of them is Evan Stone (with his trousers still on). Shana does the Shakira dance with her own bouncy boobs for an accompaniment, Jack pulls her hair (for some reason...), and all of a sudden, the action slows down, Syren appropriating perhaps the creepiest smile ever seen in softcore as they calm down...

...then we pan back to everyone's favourite crocodile head.

D'you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

So, after that rollercoaster of a scene, why do I think it's a little ludicrous? I like Syren, and I've always liked Stone. I don't know anything about the plot, but this scene is decent; both actors are good-looking - what with Syren's sizeable boobs and Evan Stone's... well... Evan Stone. And the sex is... well, it looks impossible, but it's also quite hot. And realistic oral sex is hard to come by, frigging less so and the packed it all into this scene.

But it does touch on the ridiculous at numerous points. The set is pink. There's a crocodile head watching the proceedings and nothing else to suggest that Jack is a jungle explorer type guy. And the post-coital dialogue has some of the usual hilarious "LOL, we're acting" acting to support it. And the music is... well... not really music. You don't need much above the parrot impressions that Shana's doing throughout.

Having said that, I do like it. It's hot if you're not laughing too much. And that's a really nice sofa cover. I wonder where I'd get something like that.

The sofa cover, that is, not jungle explorer sex. But if you're offering...